INTO THE GREAT WIDE OPEN

When I started this tumblr it was a way to chronicle a crazy, magical year through the lost and found of life.
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These days I’m back to being a regular gal, no longer on the road unless you count splitting my time between Austin and London. These days adventure is staying in and catching up on Never Mind the Buzzcocks.
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I wander still but in my mind. If you’re so inclined you can keep up with musings (that I promise to update a bit more faithfully) at Afraid of the Park.
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Hope to see you there.

When I started this tumblr it was a way to chronicle a crazy, magical year through the lost and found of life.

.

These days I’m back to being a regular gal, no longer on the road unless you count splitting my time between Austin and London. These days adventure is staying in and catching up on Never Mind the Buzzcocks.

.

I wander still but in my mind. If you’re so inclined you can keep up with musings (that I promise to update a bit more faithfully) at Afraid of the Park.

.

Hope to see you there.


Yes, I still live… I have been to the sea and its ruins.

Yes, I still live… I have been to the sea and its ruins.



Soundtracking: “Thieves Like Us” by New Order. Love is the air that supports the eagle.

It’s late night at the office and I’ve got Pretty in Pink playing in the background. I love that montage where everyone gets their shit together and Andie makes that hideous dress while this song plays on and on.




Hi hi… if anyone’s still here I’m still alive but The Thing has threatened to eat my soul and my life has just become real random. I think this pretty much says it all, no?




Before I was chained to a desk I saw some things.



Soundtracking: “You Ain’t Alone” by Alabama Shakes. Are you scared to wear your heart out on your sleeve?



More from New Orleans… random destruction, xxx’s for wishes, and remembrances of the dead.



You cannot find peace by avoiding life.

– Virginia Woolf

Soundtracking: “I’ll Fly Away” by The Preservation Hall Jazz Band & The Del McCoury Band. When the shadows of this life have gone…




Hi hi from New Orleans… It’s still Christmas in Metairie and I’ve been on a boat, seen some birds and cut some powdered sugar lines while scarfing down beignets.  All par for the course ‘round here.



I mingle with my peers or no one, and since I have no peers, I mingle with no one.

– John Kennedy Toole

Oh hai, 2013

I meant to write part of this post on December 15, the one year anniversary of this blog, of my departure from Kentucky for what was to become lands unknown and a year long journey that even now seems like a dream. Life got in the way, though, in the form of Thanksgiving surprises, new relationships, travel here and there and the holidays.

Fall 2011 − 2012 was a tornado of highs and lows. I still can’t believe I stood at Machu Picchu, the Taj Mahal, and Gyeongbok Palace.  At the place where I lived as a baby, at an overpass where families lived and begged in New Delhi, in the slums of Lima, Peru. The strange child part of me that still gets excited when it sees a train remains gobsmacked. The depressive in me feels a bit hollow about it all. I said to a friend earlier, “All I do is wander around, buy crap and complain.” I’ve licked my wounds enough, though. All the trials in my life won’t mean much if I give nothing back so that’s one of a million goals for this year.

Thanks to everyone who’s kept up with this. My posts might be more sporadic in the future, but I intend to keep it going though my days will probably become less and less exciting as I doubt I’ll have another twelve months where I lose love, find it in new ways, drive a million miles and see the world.

So many of my friends have been struggling these last two years. Some say it’s astrological, others the law of averages. The bf has his Hopkins Theorem of Shit Equilibrium which states, “The level of shit has to be maintained. So, the better things are, the more shit there must be to compensate.” I still don’t know if the universe is neutral or guiding, though I tend to go for the former lately. Either way I hope these rough roads are coming to an end, but it seems like things don’t really work like that anymore. You take the good, you take the bad… something about the facts of life.

I guess all we can do is try to accept the down times, give thanks for the good, keep hope around. Listen to some dopey songs, be brave and forge ahead.

So here it is, The LP Mixtape vol. III. (Download here)

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1. Charlie Parker - I’m From Barcelona. When the sky is a little too fed up with rain can I get on your little wings and fly away?

2. Right Back Where We Started From - Maxine Nightingale. Love is good, love can be strong.

3. Hold On Loosely - .38 Special. If you cling too tightly you’re gonna lose control.

4. Totally Fucked - Jonathon Groff & the Cast of Spring Awakening. The weirdest shit is still to come.

5. Little Bird - Annie Lennox. Give me the strength to lay this burden down.

6. Paradise - Black Books. It’s time to feel alright.

7. Starships - Nicki Minaj. Hands up and touch the sky.

8. Closer To The Heart - Rush. You can be the captain and I will draw the chart, sailing into destiny.

9. Dreams - Forest For The Trees. We are all here in the act of creation.

10. Any Way You Want It - Journey. She said hold on.

11. Float On - Modest Mouse. Good news will work its way to all them plans.

12. Here Comes The Sun - The Beatles. I feel that ice is slowly melting.

13. Life’s A Happy Song - The Muppets. Nothing’s stopping you, nothing that you can’t do, that the world can throw at you.




Soundtracking: “Headstrong” by 10,000 Maniacs. I mind my feelings and not your words, didn’t you notice I’m so headstrong? You’re talking to a deaf stone wall.


Companion Piece

After yesterday’s post, I wanted to say something…

I feel like I’ve been as even-handed as I can be regarding the circumstances of the end of my marriage, but I also feel like it’s been a bit weighted towards my status as the injured party. The truth in any relationship is that it nearly always takes two to tango and in our case I was probably dancing on my own half the time, sweeping faux pas all over the goddamn world.

Ask anyone and they’ll tell you I possess plenty of flaws (I was once asked in a job interview why so many people hate me). Most of these I know intimately, and I spend a lot of time in a rueful state about the various unkindnesses I’ve imparted. I feel fairly certain that I’m not a sociopath (see above feeling regretful), but I’m not so sure I’m a nice person, either. This is something I grapple with on a near daily basis.

If there’s one thing that can be said about T is that he possesses a sweet countenance. I can’t tell you how many times people came up to me over the years to tell me how lucky I was. I grew to resent this, I confess, because I’m pretty sure no one was telling him the same thing.

I saw a film this summer called The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. One of the characters, an unhappy wife, found no interest in her retirement in India with her husband, and was snappish and bitchy at every turn. As I watched her I saw way too much of myself and had the unpleasant realization of what it must have been like to live with me. Not a picnic, no. Probably not even a shared sandwich in the park.

I’ve suffered from depression throughout my life and being in Kentucky triggered a years long run as I fell into a routine that was comfortable but unfulfilling. Ruminating on our time together there are a great many situations where I wish I’d tried harder or understood more, but I get there’s no going back and I can only do better in the future. It’s a source of great frustration that this movement is in baby steps because if there’s something else about me it’s that I might be the most impatient person you’ll ever meet.

This is a bit rambly, I apologize. I think I just wanted to temper my earlier story a bit with the truth that I am not a victim and T is not the perpetrator of a great crime. We were just two people making the same mistakes loads of people make every day and that’s why I wanted to share that story. I’ve learned that one of the greatest sources of comfort when going through the shit is to know that you’re not alone.


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